What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 08:32
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why don't I want to talk to my girlfriend when she loves me a lot? I feel bored.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
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We all went to grammer schools
All the time i was locked up.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Especially a lifetime of it.
How do you make a karaoke version of a song?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With a marketing degree, can I do a master’s in film production?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was in good health!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I said to her
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So, i spoilt her more .
She loved him until the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was scared of men, in general
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I think the readers, may guess!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It was going to be , some day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Would this be the day?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im still living with it.
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She married twice! .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were not on the streets..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.